Picking the people in a foursome is a delicate balancing act. One of the key factors is your own skill level. You really shouldn’t veer to far from your own level when picking a grouping. For example, I stink. So, one of my favorite people to play golf with is my buddy Josh, who also stinks. No one with a low handicap wants to waste an afternoon either trying to coach a crappy foursome partner or constantly waiting while they hack their way down the fairway. Conversely, nothing is less fun if you carry a high handicap than golfing with people who are solid golfers. While you are just trying to survive the 18 holes, they spend their time glancing at their watches, sighing heavily and condescendingly offering ‘tips’. “Try and keep your head down,” they’ll say. Thanks, I’ve never heard that one before, it’s tremendously helpful. Look, unless you’re friends with Tiger Woods, no one wants golf tips from anyone else in their foursome.
With that in mind, I’m not even looking at the top half of this list. Forget guys like Rick Rhoden (+2.5), who are probably more famous now as staples on the pro-am circuit than they were as ballplayers. Since I’m carrying a handicap in the 30’s right now (and that’s with fuzzy math – the truth is probably worse), I don’t want anyone in the low teens. This hurt because it caused me to cut some of my heroes right away. Boston legends like Bill Russell (12) and John Havlicek (11.2) were close enough that I considered them while others like Larry Bird (3.1) weren’t an option at all. Other guys who seem like they would be cool about the whole “man-this-guy-is-awful” thing, like Hootie and the Blowfish frontman Darius Rucker (9.3), were also considered but ultimately I passed.
Now, some of these handicaps could be out and out lies and others leave you scratching your head (Roger Clemens with a 4.6? Is that pre or post steroids?); after all, bullshitting is one of the more subtle nuances of golf. But, even if they are the imaginings of some PR assistant we’ll take them at face value for the purpose of this article.
Player 1: Shakira (handicap = 40).
She’s currently carrying such a high handicap because she’s new to the game, so I need to strik
e before she gets any good. This is perfect as I can pretend to know what I’m doing when she’s around. Like I said, some of the numbers could just be made up, so it’s possible she’s even worse than she’s letting on. Plus, when I top one of my drives and it pathetically trickles down to the ladies tees, she’ll already be there to keep me company. Look at that picture, who cares how she plays? She’s in my cart.Player 2: Joe Montana (handicap = 22.1).
Also doesn’t get out to the links much, due to the pounding he used to take in the NFL. But, I’m more interested in seeing if he’ll sign some Notre Dame memorabilia for me or at least get me some sideline passes (look, this whole scenario is just in my head anyways, I might as well try and take advantage). Plus, he just seems like a cool dude who wouldn’t cock-block me with Shakira. This is why I didn’t choose Derek Jeter and his 30 handicap.
Player 3: Will Ferrell (handicap = 36+).
I’m not sure this pick even needs to be explained, but I’ll do it anyways. I’m a fan of anyone who doesn’t take themselves too seriously and Ferrell strikes me as the type of person who would be fun to play alongside whether he’s kicking your ass or taking a 13 on a single hole.
First Alternate: Tedy Bruschi (handicap = 15.2).
He’s pushing it, because he’s probably too good for this grouping. But, he’s an icon in Boston and seems like a guy who wouldn’t rub it in everyone’s face when he birdies a hole while everyone else scrambles for a triple-bogey.
Second Alternate: Matt Damon (handicap = 30).
A tough call over a guy like Kevin James (17.9), who I find to be pretty funny (not counting I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry). But, when you factor in that he’s a Boston boy and had made some of the best movies of the past 10 years, you’ve got to go with Damon. The stories from the sets of the Ocean movies alone would make this a solid pick.
Third Alternate: Brandi Chastain (handicap = 18).
Just for the off-chance that she makes a birdie and rips off her shirt in a moment of joy. I’m easy to please that way.
Oh, and my dream caddy? Tiger Woods, I hear it’s his new thing.
